What Great Parents Do by Erica Reischer

Author:Erica Reischer
Language: eng
Format: epub, pdf
Publisher: Penguin Publishing Group
Published: 2016-08-01T16:19:14+00:00

37

Great parents

share their power

HAVE YOU EVER had an insufferable boss: one who told you what to do, how to do it, and when to do it? Not only that, but this person also controlled your paycheck, and you didn’t have any other options?

If you have, then you know something about what it’s like to be a child with a parent who allows little or no autonomy. Controlling parents give kids little independence to make their own choices, often with the well-intentioned goal of protecting their kids from mistakes or discomfort. But this approach has hidden perils of its own (see #13, on over-functioning).

In many families, parents control all the resources (though less so as kids get older). Therefore, the primary source of power that kids have is their emotional bond with parents: the fact that their parents love them and want to be loved in return.

If kids don’t perceive that their family operates in a reasonable, fair, and thoughtful way, they may turn to emotional tactics to get what they want, such as “You never understand!” and “I hate you!” Or, they may pretend to comply with a controlling parent’s wishes, and then covertly do it their own way.

Great parents share their power with kids in age- and development-appropriate ways, with children gaining more power and autonomy as they demonstrate ability and responsibility. Children whose parents give them more autonomy have better relationships with their parents over time and tend to view parents more positively.17 Children given more autonomy also develop greater self-control,18 which has a host of other benefits (see #33).

So show your kids through your interactions with them that the way to get more independence is to behave in a way that merits it.

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TRY THIS: If you find yourself dictating to your children how they should do something that they are capable of deciding for themselves, back off and let them try. They will learn by trying, making mistakes, and trying again. (See also #50.)

For example, if it’s raining outside and your daughter insists on wearing her sandals instead of her rain boots, consider letting her.* Rather than get into a power struggle about the sandals (or whatever the issue is), give your daughter a matter-of-fact preview (#35)—your best guess about what’s going to happen (cold and wet feet)and then make it clear that the choice is up to her. This is a magical combination.

Here’s how that might sound in practice: “Sweetie, I can see that you really want to wear your sandals today even though it’s raining outside (empathy). I think if you do that, your feet will get cold and wet so I don’t recommend it (preview), but it’s up to you (power sharing). Please decide and let’s be ready to go in five minutes.”

If your daughter doesn’t like the experience of cold and wet feet, she is unlikely to make the same choice again. (Note that her not liking the experience of having cold and wet feet is not the same thing as you not liking it for her.

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